Death of a Spouse

The Death of a Spouse
By David Beart

One of the most difficult moments in a person's life is the death of a spouse. Whether the marriage was wonderful, rocky, young or old, losing something so significant can feel so painful that the simple act of breathing hurts, and there doesn't seem to be an end to that type of hurting in sight. There is so much that happens in those first few days, plans to be made, friends and family that are always there, trying to offer comfort, sometimes trying too hard to offer comfort, and that feeling as though you have to offer others a sense of peace. Being a surviving spouse also means being a host or hostess for a short time, no matter how hard others try to tend to your needs first.




When the funeral or memorial service has ended, and you are finally alone with the reality of things, you may expect to have certain feelings. And those certain feelings may or may not ever come. Despite the fact that there has been tons of research written on the steps of grieving, the truth is that these are just vague outlines, not guarantees. There is no script, no determined function that says you must feel any certain way for any length of time. Your feelings are your own and they are what they are.

There is a significant difference however, between not experiencing an emotion because it just isn't there and shutting down an emotion because it doesn't feel "appropriate" or you don't want to feel it. During the weeks following a spouse's death, there are still details to take care of, and strong emotions can hinder your ability to deal with those details.

Some people find that if they actually set aside "grieving time" once a day, a few hours in the morning or the evening, where they are able to express their emotions in ways that are pure and real and honest, they are able to move through the details of life without feeling numb or uninvolved. Writing in a journal, phoning a few friends, crying, listening to music that holds special memories, building with wood, painting, or even seeing a therapist are all methods of dealing with strong emotions that help to express the hollowness, the pain, and the frustration and anger.

Spouses who have lost their significant other to a long term illness such as cancer are often mortified that their grieving doesn't last as "long as it should." This is a common phenomenon with no shame attached. In reality, couples who have faced long term illnesses have done a lot of anticipatory grieving, grieving the death of their loved while the loved one was still here. Many spouses reach a form of acceptance before their beloved passes on. In some cases, when the illness had stolen so much of who the individual was, and left them in a condition that death seemed like the better choice, the grieving was already completed on many levels, and the remaining spouse is left with relief, and a sense of guilt for feeling relieved. There is no guilt necessary. There are some things that are worse than death. There is a state of human condition that begs for death, release. Your grieving, at least a good part of it, has already been done. And it is okay, however you feel.

Depression is a normal part of grieving such a loss, even if the marriage was heading toward divorce or had even reached the point of separation. It didn't need to be a perfect marriage for you to have the freedom to grieve. Despite the normalcy of depression, any strong feelings of incapacitating sadness that go one for more than a few months should be considered normal, but may be a sign that you need help completing a cycle of grief or need someone to help you let go of your guilt. This is especially true if there are still children in the home. Getting help doesn't mean that you have failed or that you have done something wrong in the process of grieving. It means that you just may need someone to shed a new perspective on things, offer you a new way of looking at things, to help you over the edge.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a spouse, with the exception of behaviors which injure other people. There are books, movies, self help programs, and articles galore that are aimed at helping people feel better after such a devastating loss. While the ultimate goal is definitely to feel better, the positive feelings that you are seeking will be much more genuine and lasting if you work through the uncomfortable negative feelings first. Be tender and gentle with yourself, the way you would be if your best friends was in your shoes. Be kind and understanding with yourself. And most importantly, be real with yourself. Staying honest with yourself will help you heal faster and more completely.

David Beart is the owner of the Professors House Our site covers family issues such as marriage advice, teenagers, marriage, forums and relationships.