Funerals - Planning The Details

By Michael Russell

In our previous article, we talked about the basic decisions which have to be made when planning a funeral. We covered the venue, whether or not the service would be religious and the choice of coffin and interim resting place for the body.

To begin, we'll stay with the funeral director. A decent one will be guiding you though the maze of choices you have to make with the minimum of fuss.




You will need to tell him whether you want his staff to carry the coffin or whether you have male friends or relatives who wish to do this. In any event, the undertaker should provide sufficient manpower in case any of the bearers don't feel up to the task on the day.

You must decide what funeral cars you want, apart from the hearse. You don't have to have any, of course, as these add to the cost quite considerably, but if would be quite normal to only have a car for the immediate family of the deceased. These cars usually hold about six passengers.

Announcing the funeral in the press can be tricky. In these unfortunate times, criminals often take advantage of a householder's absence at a funeral to burgle their house. If you do want to announce the funeral, it may be as well to ask a friend to house sit while you are out.

Flowers are another difficult one. People like to send flowers but they soon fade and you may choose for people to donate what they would have spent on flowers to a charity of your choice. The undertaker should administer this and keep a record of those who donated so that you can send thank you letters. Normally, people will quite understand if you ask for family flowers only or just have one large arrangement for the coffin.

Finally, if there's to be a burial, you will need a memorial stone of some kind. If there will be a cremation, you may have the opportunity to adopt a rose, have the ashes buried or scattered or have an entry in a memorial book.

Away from the funeral director, you will need to meet or, at the very least, speak to whomever is going to officiate at the service, if any. This is relatively easy if you've chosen your local church but if there will be a cremation and you don't want the duty priest, you will need to ask your vicar or whoever, whether they are able to attend another venue.

You will have to provide some detail of the deceased so that the official can say appropriate words. Don't forget to advise what their preferred form of address was. For example if the deceased was called Jennifer but always insisted that it was shortened to Jen, tell whoever is conducting the service.




You may want someone other than the official to provide a eulogy or read a poem or whatever but don't forget to check that they are willing to do it. You will also need to choose music. For a church service this will be one or two hymns and maybe another favourite piece. Cremations are usually so time limited that one hymn or piece of music will probably be all that there's time for.

Funerals - Funeral Packages

By Michael Russell

In this article we're going to discuss something that is becoming more and more popular with families of the deceased. Funeral packages.

Death is something we try not to think about. It isn't a pleasant subject. Unfortunately, it is also inevitable. Also unfortunately, we tend to think about these things at the last minute. Very few people really prepare for the death of a loved one.

One of the reasons, and possibly the main reason, is because there is more involved with what comes after someone dies than most people realize. It is because of the number of things that need to be taken care of that today many corporations, and yes, that's what they are, specialize in what are called "Funeral Packages."

A funeral package is just that. It's a one stop shop for all your funeral needs.
Just what are those needs? More than most people realize.

For starters, there's how you want the deceased to be buried, if at all. There are a number of options to choose from. You can have a standard casket, and even that isn't so standard anymore as there are many casket styles to choose from.

Then there is where you want the deceased buried. You can request a traditional funeral where the deceased is buried in the ground in a cemetery. There is also the option of having the deceased buried in a mausoleum or tomb. And then of course there is always the option of cremation, where there is no burial at all.

Then there is the matter of the funeral service. This all depends on the religion of the deceased. Some form of clergy is going to need to be secured for performing the service itself. That brings us to the matter of where the service is going to take place, a temple or church or even at the funeral parlor itself.

There is also the matter of flowers or other adornments that the deceased family wishes to have at the service. The deceased may belong to a special organization that either requires or allows them to have certain items at the service, such as a Mason who is buried with his white lambskin apron.

All of these things, and a lot more, are usually taken care of separately. But today with the existence of these funeral packages, one company can take care of all the arrangements, from casket to service for you.

The only laws, which are usually state laws, governing the sale of funeral packages is that the cost of each item of the package must be clearly marked in the sales agreement. Nothing is allowed to be left out, not even the flowers. Also, when purchasing a funeral package, if paying it off over time, any interest charges that the deceased family is going to be hit with have to also be clearly itemized on the agreement.

Funeral packages are big business, and while they save the deceased family a lot of time, they can be very costly if the family is not aware of all the costs they are going to be hit with.
Funeral packages are big business and most certainly here to stay. Buyer beware.

Funerals - Funeral Expenses

By Michael Russell

In this article we're going to talk about funeral expenses and how to get a handle on them so they don't eat you alive.

There is an old joke that goes "the only thing certain in life is death and taxes." Obviously whoever made that remark never got to meet a rich man with more tax loopholes than the United States has illegal immigrants. But one thing in life is certain and that's death. And with that certain death are the certain expenses that come with it.





Over the years funeral expenses have skyrocketed to the point where the average family literally can't afford to die. Well, there is a way to get a handle on your funeral expenses and that is the focus of this article.

You may or may not know this but there are over 20,000 funeral homes in the United States accounting for over $25 billion in revenue annually. That money doesn't come from cheap funerals. It comes from expenses that are insane when you think about the actual service being provided.

There are actually three corporations that dominate the industry; SCI, Stewart and the Loewen Group. These three giants account for about 15% of the total funeral business in the United States. The reason you probably haven't heard of them is because when they buy up a funeral home they usually keep the old funeral home's name in order to give the impression of a small family owned business. This couldn't be farther from the truth. And because they have basically taken hold of the industry, they can charge whatever they like for funeral services. How much?
Let's take a metal casket. If you take the cost of a metal casket, materials and labor, the casket actually only costs about $450 to $700 to make. This same casket is sold to families for about $3,000. That's well over a 400% markup. If any other industry tried to get away with this they'd be shut down.

But the insane costs don't stop there. A hearse that costs about $25 an hour to rent will be billed at a rate of about $200 per hour. Flowers that cost about $25 are sold for about $150. The clergy will charge you a couple of hundred bucks for his services. Then there's the burial itself. Opening the grave costs money as does lowering the body into the ground. By the time you're done a simple no frills funeral can cost you close to $10,000. The actual physical cost of the services provided to you are maybe $2,000.

What is a poor family to do?

The best way to get a handle on expenses is to actually get as little from the funeral home as you can. For example, there is no law that says you have to get a casket from the funeral home. Try going to a wholesaler or online. You can get a very good deal on caskets and save hundreds of dollars.

The same with the flowers and hearse. Go to an outside florist for your flower arrangements and to a private rent a car company for your hearse and limos. Most likely you will end up saving lots of money there too.

As for the cemetery expenses, there isn't much you can do about that. But by saving money in other areas your $10,000 funeral can be knocked down to $8,000 or even $7,000. The disadvantage is that you're going to have to do a lot of work on your own that the funeral home would have normally done for you. But if saving money is your first priority then this is the way to go.

Funerals - Masonic Service

By Michael Russell

In this article we're going to discuss a certain kind of funeral called the Masonic Service, which is a special funeral service for men only who are a member of the Masonic Fraternity in good standing at the time of their death.




Every religion has its own way of honoring the dead. And while the Masons are not a religion per say, they do believe in a supreme being and do have their own type of funeral service.

To be eligible for a Masonic funeral service a person has to be a man for starters. Women are not allowed to become Masons but they do have their own organization and their own funeral service. This will be the subject of another article. Not only must a Mason be a man but they must also be a member in good standing, meaning that they have to have been paying their dues on a regular basis and must not have been brought up on any Masonic charges. There is also an age requirement that a man has to be at least 21 years of age to become a mason. Boys under that age, even if their fathers are masons are not entitled to a Masonic funeral.




So just how is a Masonic funeral different from other funerals? To answer that, we need to discuss some of the similarities. For starters, Masonic funeral services are held in some kind of funeral parlor or temple. The same preparations are made as far as getting the body ready such as embalming. One difference in the preparation is that the deceased has his white lambskin apron placed over the body in the casket during the service, not before. If the body is not viewable for whatever reason, be it that the site would be a bit gruesome or if there is no body at all, then the apron would be placed over the casket or urn.

The service itself begins with a prayer, usually the 23rd psalm. Unlike services performed by ministers, which are prepared in advance and unique to a degree for each service, the Masonic service is a standard ritual. In other words, the service is the same for each Mason who passes away. There is no deviation in the service except for the part of the service itself where the Mason's name and date of birth and death are given.

The ritual itself is about 20 minutes long and is done from memory. Masons spend many months learning this service which consists of over ten pages of dialogue which has to be read word for word. The ritual team consists of the person reciting the ritual, a chaplain and a marshall. Any other masons from that particular lodge also participate in the service as observers and marchers.

At the end of the service the family and friends go up to the casket to pay their final respects. A Masonic service is a great honor to a man who is a mason where the one belief is that from Earth we came and to Earth we must shortly return.

10 Key Reasons Why A Person Needs Life Insurance

By Paul W Wilson

Insurance is designed to protect a person and the family from disasters and financial burdens. There are many kinds of insurance of which, the basic and most important is considered to be life insurance. It provides for the dependants after your death.

Since there are certain financial commitments you need to meet throughout life and do contribute in some way to the family income, you need to provide something even in death—to secure the home, help the family meet expenses for a while, protect dependant parents, or secure the children or spouse.

Financial obligations could include funeral expenses, unsettled medical bills, mortgages, business commitments, meeting the college expenses of the children, and so on.

How much insurance a person needs would vary, depending on lifestyle, financial needs and sources of income, debts, and the number of dependants? An insurance adviser or agent would recommend that you take insurance that amounts to five to ten times your annual income. It is best to sit down with an expert and go through the reasons why you should consider insurance and what kind of insurance planning would benefit you.

As an important part of your financial plan insurance provides peace of mind for any uncertainties in life.

1. Life insurance correctly planned will on premature death provide funds to deal with monies due, mortgages, and living expenses. It offers protection to the family you leave behind and serves as a cash resource.
   
2. It secures your hard earned estate on death by providing tax free cash which can be utilized to pay estate and death duties and to tide over business and personal expenses.
   
3. Life insurance can have a savings or pension component that provides for you during retirement.
   
4. Some policies have riders like coverage of critical illness or term insurance for the children or spouse. There are certain rules regarding eligibility for riders which you will need to determine clearly.
   
5. Having a valid insurance policy is considered as financial assets which improves your credit rating when you need health insurance or a home loan or business loan.
   
6. In case of bankruptcy, the cash value as well as death benefits of an insurance policy is exempt from creditors.
   
7. Life insurance can be planned such that it will cover even your funeral expenses.
   
8. Term life insurance has double benefits, it protects and you can get your money back during strategic points in your life.
   
9. Insurance protects your business from financial loss or any liabilities in case a business partner dies.
   
10. It can contribute towards maintaining a family’s life style when one contributing partner suddenly dies.

Insurance is vital to good financial planning and security but you would need to assess your personal risk and long term commitments. Insurance stands a person in good stead throughout life and can be used in case of emergencies during a life time by requesting a withdrawal or loan.

Funerals - Planning The Basics

By Michael Russell

Planning a funeral is never going to be a pleasant task, whether it be your own or that of your nearest and dearest. However, this article aims to give you some idea of what to expect when you have to plan a funeral for the first time.

The first thing you will need to do is to contact an undertaker. A good one will guide you through all the decisions which have to be made in order for the funeral to take place, with the minimum of pain and disruption. You will find undertakers or funeral directors listed in your local telephone directory and on the internet. However, in view of the nature of the occasion, I always feel that a personal recommendation is good.




Having chosen your undertaker, you will need to make an appointment to meet. Some firms will come to your house and others will expect you to go to their premises. If you have a choice, do whatever you're most comfortable with.

The questions will now begin. Firstly do you want burial or cremation and in either case, will the service be religious or secular? If you want a church service and a burial, you will also need to choose a cemetery as not all churches have space available. You may want cremation but with burial of the ashes. If you want a non-religious burial, you may be able to choose a woodland area or similar. So you have now chosen your church, crematorium and/or cemetery. (For church, read any appropriate building depending on the religion in question.)

You will now be offered further choices - this time coffins. You will need to select the style of coffin, the material from which it is to be made and the design of handles. You will also have to choose the style and wording of a plaque. If there is to be a cremation, you will need to select a casket or urn for the ashes. Obviously the cost varies tremendously, depending on what you opt for.

You will have to tell the funeral director where you wish the body to rest until the funeral and whether you wish it to be on view for people to pay their respects. Whether or not the deceased will be on view, you will have to decide on their clothing.

Funeral Flowers

By Alison Cole

Unexpected loss is fraught with deep emotions that words can barely express. To help families cope with the shock and agony, flowers offer comfort and express sympathy.

Manners and methods of conveying sympathy vary through countries, cultures and religions, but flowers remain fitting tributes to a departed soul. Displayed during the funeral service and remaining after the ceremony, flowers act as aromatic reminders of the departed member who so enriched life's journey with an inimitable presence.






While a personal selection is always best, florists are familiar with the most effective colors and designs. A guidebook on conventional styles of flower arrangements for funerals may also help. Cultural taboos must be observed and good taste observed. A florist can also deliver funeral flowers to the bereaved family without invading privacy.

Despite changing trends in funeral services, flowers can be designed to convey the spirit and aura of the person. Talk to the florist about the deceased's personality and special quirks for a more personalized floral creation that will lend comfort to the grieving family.

Wreaths symbolizing the circle of life are the most recognized tokens of condolence. But increasingly, flower sprays highlighted on an easel, fresh flower arrangements in a vase or container, casket sprays and floral designs for inside the casket are gaining attention. Colors are conventionally white, pinks and pastels but red roses or tropical blooms can also convey warmth and depth of feeling.

Sometimes, an offering of a potted green, a flowering plant, bonsai or sapling can spark hope and renewal in sorrowing hearts. The very act of caring for a new plant can speed the grieving process and set in the healing.

Even after the immediate days of loss, sending funeral flowers after a few weeks can be a good idea. Reassurance and good cheer can be underlined through these offerings and remind the recipients that the departed spirit shines brighter than ever and the reminiscing is shared.

Flowers at a funeral are a way of showing sensitivity and commiseration and provide moral support as well as soothe disturbed hearts. Flowers create a hallowed atmosphere that reveres and sanctifies the passing and celebrate life.

Life Trumps Death

By Clayton Shold

Do you ever ponder the meaning of life? Why are we here? Perhaps these questions surface when we receive news we'd rather not receive, the passing of an uncle, a beloved aunt, a friend's spouse who died for the wrong reason. I'm not sure I believe myself when I justify the news by saying this is the circle of life.




I don't make a habit of reading the obituary columns in the newspaper but occasionally I read about strangers. Many have experienced a long and full life, contributed to society in a meaningful way, were visible within their community. I think how proud their family must be, I also imagine the hurt and grief they are experiencing. I read about the 42-year old father who has succumbed to cancer and leaves behind a wife and two children and I wonder how this is fair. My heart aches when I read about the young child tragically killed in an accident as my eyes fill with tears.

I'm no stranger to death. It scares me and I don't deal well with it. I find death emotionally overwhelming. It is hurt, compassion, sadness, pain, empathy, love all rolled together that hits like a tsunami.

I've lost high school friends to accidents, drugs, and disease. I've seen first hand the impact on a family when their young daughter took her own life. Like so many others, I have said goodbye to relatives only after they have gone.

I don't know why I’m so impacted by death. Its not that I think about it all the time. Maybe I subconsciously fear the loss of a parent, a sibling, a family member. Perhaps I'm selfish, a coward who doesn't want to die.

Young people seldom think of death, they are to busy living life as if they are invincible. Old people tend to prepare for death and accept the event as a natural and inevitable occurrence. Experience and reality have tempered their emotions. The grief and hurt is still there, so is the reflection on the positive aspects of the individual's life. For some, their biggest worry is if they will out live their friends, who will attend their funeral.

Maybe this aging process will help me to become less sensitive to the loss of not only those I love, but to those I have only read about in the newspaper. I am thankful my fear of death is more than offset by my passion for life. So it should be.

So where does this discussion of death take us? It could be to the end of a journey, or the beginning of a new one depending on your beliefs. If you were to have a tombstone, what would it read? Here we are back to the question, what is our mission, our purpose, our goal? One accolade might read, "Here lays an honest person who cared about the people around her, respected others and made a positive difference in the lives of everyone she encountered." If we envision how we want others to remember us, it might provide a valuable compass to aid us down the path of life.

In a perfect world, perhaps caring and understanding might extend well beyond our community and our country. Imagine a common bond based on a desire for truth, justice, peace, and mutual respect.

We can’t do a lot about death. We can very much impact life - our own and others.

Woman Jumps into Lover's Funeral Pyre

By Rajesh Kanoi

'He died of a snake bite,' some said while others privately believed that he had consumed poison. There were few people around when the body was mounted atop a bed of logs that was soon engulfed in flames, the last rites of purification for a departed soul. Savita stood watching from a distance, her eyes swollen and red as the fire that was consuming the corpse.




Savita, still young at 25, was a mother of two little kids. She lived in a small village in Bihar while her husband worked in far away Delhi. Lonely and depressed, she found happiness in the arms of her neighbour, Subhash Yadav, a young man five years her junior. Their hearts soared and, together, they experienced the joy of living, of being. But, in a small village made smaller by prying eyes and jealous inhabitants, their love soon became a subject of gossip.

The village folk, unwilling to see a couple couple without social or legal sanction took a serious view of the happenings in their village. They made what was not their business theirs. At first they warned Subhash Yadav to break off his liaison with Savita. Then they began to taunt and ridicule him. Seeing that their words had no impact on him they threatened him. 'That woman that you love and sleep with - you know, that Savita woman. We will make her the village bride. Why must we not taste the meat you do? Once she has been with all of us, she will learn how to love you better...'

A few days later, someone found Subhash's body lying in a field.

Savita's mind was a tangle as she watched his body charring before her very eyes.
'Gone! The bastard has gone! Let's see how this whore makes love with him now,' someone seemed to say. Savita didn't know who said that and why. All she could see was her Subhash covered in flames as they raged furiously around his body. Draping an end of her saree over her head, Savita dashed to the funeral pyre and jumped straight in.

'No one can take my love from me. Subhash is mine and I am his. I will be his sati,' Savita whispered as the flames enveloped her with her Subhash.

A Note:

Sati, the act of a woman consigning herself to the flames of her husband's funeral pyre has been banned in India since its independence. However, the odd incident does take place once in a while.

Points to Ponder:

The incident raises many questions. But, since the ban on Sati, any statement in support of the practice can be interpreted as a violation of law in India. While Sati may be abhorrent, what about those who drive women and men to such acts of desperation? Are they not more in the wrong?

Conventions, traditions and laws are inimical to love but that's nothing new. Can love be controlled? Should it be? Is love an act of the will? Is love without social or legal sanction wrong? Is it always avoidable? Do others have the right to interfere in what is essentially a private matter?

What do you think Savita could or should have done after Subhash's death?

Guide to Life Insurance

By Mansi Aggarwal

Life is precious to every creature (big or small) on earth. From a tiny ant to big rational agents every living being loves life and wants to protect it. For a human being the most prudent way to shield his life from all the forthcoming perils is to get life insurance. Life insurance not just guard the life of the policyholder but it is also a great help to other family members.

Life insurance pays for almost all the major misshapenness in an individual’s life. If the person is suffering from a chronic illness, it bears the medical expense. Life insurance money can be used in cases of a severe accident. After the death of the policyholder, the insurance pays for his funeral and other related ceremonies. Thus life insurance is a big financial assistance not only when a person is alive but also even after it.





However the extent to which a policy will be active or beneficial depends on the kind of life insurance policy taken by an individual. For instance, the term life insurance policy is all about protecting a person for a term before he dies. But if the individual dies during the policy term, the beneficiaries receive the benefits. Term life insurance is ideal for those who want that specific needs such college tuition; mortgage payments and car payments should be cared for at their death. This insurance is also favorable for the families who cannot afford to pay large monthly premiums. It is also good for senior citizens who know that they will kick the bucket soon. Many companies associate different terms and conditions with the term life insurance policy and so offer several types of it. The term life insurance an also be converted to any other form of insurance such as whole life insurance.

The people who seek to insure their entire life and are ready to pay big premiums throughout should go for a Whole Life insurance policy. This policy is good for young but not meant for the old. The whole life insurance has a distinguished “cash surrender value” feature. The cash value (composed of cash value and dividends) keeps on incrementing annually according to a specific schedule in your whole life insurance policy. Many whole life policies reward the policyholders with dividends that can augment the entire cash value.

Besides these kinds of life insurance policies are also health insurance policies. These policies are devised for those suffering with chronic illnesses particularly cancer. Such policies are difficult to acquire (for very few agencies offer them) and are usually offered at high premiums. The health insurance may pay for some of the patient’s treatments but it does not pay for everything.

Prior to purchasing a life insurance policy, a person should make a prudent assessment of his current situation and needs. Accordingly he should look up Internet, consult friends and relatives to find either a reliable insurance company or an agent. Choosing from where (insurance company and agent) and what kind of policy to adopt is a challenging task that requires lot of consideration and discussion.

Is It Ok To Cry?

By Rick Hayes

I attended the earthly funeral ceremony yesterday of a friend. His earthly completion to us here in earth would be considered too soon, as he was but forty-four years of age. A sudden completion, needless to say it was a shock to everyone.

As I entered the building and approached his earthly shell, well dressed and a complete vision of tranquility, I noticed the many tears from his loved ones still in their earth's plan. I thanked my creator for my ability, for as I felt to turn toward his dad, his energy was standing right beside him. I smiled in my heart, as I felt that although he felt the sadness of his loved ones, he was relaying the peace and happiness that he now had within. I felt that he was also in awe of the hundreds of the lives that he had touched while still in his own earth's plan.




As I moved to another room, a loved one came to me that knew of my abilities. "Rick, I can see it in your eyes, he is here isn’t he?" I nodded my head and smiled. "I know too. Is he sad?" I relayed that he now has a love and peace within him that he has never felt before. "Is it ok to cry?"

I feel that sadness is an earthly emotion that we are to experience in order for growth. It is an emotion that actually strengthens the love we have within ourselves. For example, I feel that when we cry the sadness of tears due to a loss of a loved one here on earth's plan, we also experience the many memories that the loved one touched our own life. We cry when we are in pain, and feel even more joy when the pain subsides. We cry when we are depressed, to allow us to remove the sadness and to enjoy the happiness that is to come. We even cry during happiness, as the love within us expands.

So to answer the question, is it ok to feel sadness? Absolutely so. It is a great emotion given to us by our creator in order for us to understand and to cherish the many beautiful gifts that surround us, and to know that in life everlasting this gift on earth will be left behind...on earth.

Later on, as we laid his earthly shell into the earth I looked down beside me. There next to me on the ground was a shiny new penny, heads up. I smiled, as I knew this was a physical message to let me know that he was "anew" and for his loved ones to keep their "heads up in happiness, as he was". I approached the friend and put it in her hand. "I just found this beside me on the ground".

She looked at me and I could tell immediately that she knew also. As one small tear fell from her eye, she smiled with faith.

Rick Hayes is the founder of LifesGift, an association that supports his psychic medium abilities. As a Paranormal Communications Consultant, Rick consults on a daily basis with those that have questions regarding life after death and one's daily path on earth.

Born and raised in a Christian environment, his belief that our creator has given to us the gift of everlasting life through faith has remained throughout his earthly plan.

As a published author, Rick writes a column for the LifesGift website (Rick's LifesNotes) where he shares his thoughts of life and life-everlasting. His articles have also appeared on numerous websites and publications.

Term Life Insurance

By Sara Chambers

Term life insurance is defined as insurance coverage that covers in increments of time, known as terms, such as one year, five years or ten years. The policy holder pays premiums during this time, but they are likely to increase as the term continues. At the end of each term, the policy is available to be renewed, but as the policy holder has aged, the rate is likely to be higher. While this is true, term life insurance is still considered one of the life insurance options.

What are the other life insurance options? There are four main categories of life insurance: term life, whole life, universal life and variable life. Whole life insurance covers your whole life span, as opposed to just a term. The premiums remain the same constant rate. Universal life and variable life provide methods of investment, such as stocks, bonds and mortgages.

So why is life insurance important anyway? The first thing to tell yourself when you begin searching for life insurance is that it is not about you, it is about your family and loved ones. The monthly payment that you make on your life insurance will fulfill several different monetary needs for your family.

The first of these monetary needs is funeral arrangements. Funerals are expensive, regardless of whether you are buried or cremated. This expense can be a huge blow to an already grieving family. These monetary expenses are extrapolated to an even greater extent if you are a homeowner. Life insurance, term life insurance included, can be used to pay for both funeral expenses as well as any debts, including mortgages that you may owe.

The best way to get the most information on different types of insurance is by working with an insurance agent. Choose carefully. Start by compiling a list of referrals given to you by family and friends. Don’t be afraid to interview and ask serious questions. Regardless of who you choose, remember that life insurance, whether it is term life insurance or another variety, is imperative, especially if you own a home and/or have a family.

My Mother's Passing

By Iya Ifalola Omobola

My father passed a few years ago. It left a wenching feeling within my heart which I had not expected as we had not communicated in years. I was sitting at my desk, where I worked at the time for a theatre company here in Chicago. The director had answered the phone and I heard her ask if something were wrong and then she told me I had a call.

My mother was on the line. She casually told me, as she thought it would not matter much, that my father had died. I remember screaming. It was a pain so deep I could hardly stand it. I loved my father dearly but had refused to buy into his constantly trying to make me into the image of who he wanted me to be so I had stayed away from him. I had recently resolved to reach out for him despite our differences and then had received the call.




I couldn’t breathe – I couldn’t see straight. I had to leave. As I passed down the shoreway, I was pulled to the lake. I drove there, parked and went to the shoreline, sitting down with my feet in the water. I cried until the tears could no longer come. I stood up, a little shaken but much better. I am realizing now that what had happened was that my father had forgiven me. And I had forgiven myself. As Lake Michigan eventually connects to the ocean, I say it was the ocean's nurturing and loving spirit that helped me come to the peace I was able to walk away with from the lake. I never mourned his death again, after that.

Death is not a foreigner to me. I lost dear family members when I was fifteen to a tragic car accident, three at the time and another a month later. Then an aunt died a month after that. We had all been very close and it hurt badly. Earlier, I had lost a grandmother who I hadn’t been close to but still felt the loss. Death and I had become intimate. I knew it well. Or so I thought.
And then the inevitable came. My mother passed on the 29th of December, 2003. I came to realize that Death had only been peeking his head through the door. I knew nothing about the effects that can take place and the toll that can be taken from one’s being at such time. She had been getting progressively worse as time wore on. She smoked and her lungs no longer had the capacity to generate enough oxygen to her lungs. That combined with the current quality of air made it increasingly harder for her to garner the breath she needed to make it through her day. She had to be hooked to an oxygen machine and take periodic breathing treatments on a daily basis. Such treatment took a toll on her body and she grew weaker as time went on. The woman who raced around, fighting for equal rights in earlier days, and fighting to keep her youngest grandson out of difficulty in later ones, found herself confined to a chair, finding it taxing to do the simplest things such as washing a dish or combing her hair. And yet she never stopped being the supportive, loving, dedicated mother and grandmother.

This is how she had come to return to Chicago, a city she hated. I had separated from my husband in Ohio where she lived and she had come with me when I returned to Chicago to help raise my three younger children. She always made sure I knew how much she appreciated my existence and how proud she was of me. Always showing me that while the rest of the world may consider me a basket case, she could appreciate the decisions I made about my life and that of my children and was supportive of those choices, even if they sometimes taxed the very essence of who she thought she was.

A staunch Christian, she came to acknowledge and respect the spiritual path I walked, calling me the most Christian person she ever knew, as she witnessed my daily commitment to good character and sense of community. She would even stand behind me at times, in talking to the Ancestors. If I would get stuck on finding out what they wanted, my mother would suggest something and it would turn out to be what they wanted. She would even chastise me if I changed my shrines around, asking if I had their permission to make such moves.

When I decided to homeschool my children, the former school teacher in her came forth to assist in the process. Slowly, though, the tables turned and the one who was of assistance came to be one who needed the same. The weekend came. It was truly amazing. We had just moved into a miracle house that had been supplied by Spirit a month earlier. I had wanted to get my mother out of the tiny house in which we were living so she could be more comfortable and at ease. Christmas had come and gone. I had put up a decorated tree for her and went through the motions of putting gifts under the tree and having the children open them, so she could enjoy that scenario again.

I had a godbrother staying in the house who was undergoing some ancestral work to rectify some problems he was having. I had a goddaughter here who was receiving spiritual work. My mother started seriously declining the night before the work was completed. I stayed awake with her throughout the night to make sure she was alright. She had had serious bouts before and managed to overcome them. She had refused the hospital in the past and this was no different.

We completed the ceremonies and conducted a final spiritual cleaning. I was able to cleanse my mother during that time as well. The next morning, final work was completed and then my mother began to make her transition. I saw she was fading in her chair and had her carried to her bed. I sat with her and watched as tears came down from her eyes and her mouth began to bubble. I realized she was choking. I sat her up and propped her with my body for a while. I then had the children place pillows under her head as I leaned her gently against the pillows. I arranged her body and she summoned the strength to pucker up her lips and raise her head to kiss me. I had bathed her a little earlier, something we had both been struggling against as it was taking away the last little bit of dignity she had left but was needed.

I insisted on taking her to the hospital but she would open her eyes wide and begin to yank the air tubing out of her nose. I got her message and when I told her I wouldn’t take her, she relaxed. My oldest daughter, Dara, came and she and the children began to share shifts with watching my mother. I went upstairs to lie down as I was exhausted. My youngest son would come up periodically to give me reports. She seemed to be doing better. Aina, my younger daughter was giving her ice chips and they were reading to her. I started to sleep. I must have slept for about an hour when my son burst in the room to tell me that my mother had stopped breathing. I ran down the stairs and everyone was screaming at her to wake up.

We laid her down on the floor and I called 911. Aina had taken life guard classes over the previous summer and knew cpr. The operator walked her through it again as she went through five rounds of cpr before the ambulance came. The most beautiful thing about that particular aspect of the experience was that Aina and my mother had been butting heads seriously. 16 year old versus grandmother. But the last person that my mother would acknowledge was Aina. She didn’t notice any of the rest of us but when Aina would come into her vision, her face would get bright and she would smile at her. She, of course, was making her peace. Aina had that gift given to her before my mother died.

My youngest son, Akinola, age 9, who had become her self-appointed care-taker, was the one who was holding her hand when she passed. He says he saw tears in her eyes before she left. He seemed to be handling it well. The parametics tried but were unable to resuscitate her. We rode to the hospital, we three women, and left the boys with my house guests. Once, in touching base with them, Nola told me that I needed to get back because they were losing it. I told him to go to the ancestral altar and pray that his grandmother made a peaceful and smooth transition and that she was surrounded by light. He said he would.

When we came home, I asked him if he had prayed and he said that he did. He said he could feel my mother’s presence and that he promised her that he would take care of her plants. I told him that we were going to cremate her according to her wishes and that the ashes would probably be here with us. I asked him how he felt about that and he said he didn’t think he would like that very well. I told him that we would then make sure they were out of the way so he wouldn’t be able to see them. He then asked me what I was going to do with her ashtray, lighter and cigarettes (yes, she smoked to the very end.) I told him that I had planned on throwing them away. I asked him what he wanted to do with them. He said he wanted to put them by the ashes in case she wanted to smoke on the other side.

What could I say?

I am not sure what my twelve year old, Omoyele, was going through. I’ve seen him cry but he is so quiet, that it is difficult to know what he was thinking. My mother is the one who helped potty-train him. She is the one who took him back and forth to school when he first started. They had a special bond as well.

My mother staged her transition perfectly. I get the impression she wasn't quite ready to go but looked around and decided that she wouldn't have a better opportunity. The new year had not yet come in, she saw me settled into the kind of house she felt I deserved, she saw me surrounded by supportive non-familial people who would be able to "hold the one" for the initial moments. She saw that I was perhaps ready to step into the role of being the elder of the family. The more phenomenal occurences were yet to come.

Later that day, as I struggled over what I was going to do with the children without being forced to put them back in school, Dara came in announcing that she had found an after-school program that would take the children four hours a day, five days a week. They would provide tutoring with their homework and other activities, including swimming and basketball. I realized my mother had already begun her work from the other side. The boys had close friends whose parents came and swooped them up.

Then three friends – all walking my particular spiritual path - who had all cared for my mother and for whom my mother also cared but who had fallen out with me for some reason or another, all showed up at the house, in support, at about the same time. We were able to do a makeshift, spiritual service for my mother, with prayers, singing, testimony and divination to ensure that all was good. My daughters and I got to cry, moan and laugh, shedding the first layer of grief around those we had come to trust with our hearts again. It was an unbelieveable experience.
I went the next day to sign papers at the funeral home and pay my last respects to my mother. Wailing away, I walked into the place where she rested upon a cot . As I approached her, the most profound sense of peace enveloped me and I stopped crying. I smiled, looked down on her and told her what the immediate plans were. I told her I loved her and was able to kiss her before I left. It is a peace that lasted me through the harder moments.

I knew the emotional and mental anquish would be present for quite some time. I did not expect the physical pain as well. Others have explained it to me as actual cords that bind one to another and led me through the process of severing the cords from both ends so that my mother could be released. And that has been the hardest feat of all. She has passed, her transition was smooth, she has made her presence known from the other side. It was the letting go of that presence from the other side that was the hardest of all. I knew she had to get reoriented. I knew she needed to get adjusted to what is happening with her. I knew to pull on her keept her from making that journey. It was so hard. It felt like I was turning my back on my best friend.

Ah me, I thought I was ready to write this. It isn't easy.There is really a point to all of this. What I am really trying to say is that I believe that the nine years my mother’s being spent encompassed in my way of life helped her to make her transition smoothly. I believe that because she lived in the house where the Ancestors are revered, that her relationship to the other side was not so foreign. I believe that because she was able to resolve her issues before she left here, she will be a valuable asset to us from the other side. This too has been confirmed. For all of you who doubt the practicality and effect of the work you do at your ancestral altars, let me be the one to say unequivocably and without a doubt. The stuff works.

Remember The Love

By Veronica Hay

These last few days have been for me, a dark night of the soul. Every belief I held, every truth I thought I knew and every answer I had, have all been shattered.

And even though I was surrounded by people, I felt alone, abandoned and afraid.
And yet, through all of it, I also felt higher, as though someone or something were carrying me, lifting me, loving me.

And so this time instead of running from the pain, despair and confusion, I embraced it and what happened surprised me. The pain, despair and confusion became my doorway to freedom. All sorts of insights and inspirations flooded into my consciousness. It was as though I had access to a different time and place and was able to see with new eyes.

I have been searching for the truth all of my life in so many places. I thought there was only one truth and that I came here to find that truth and that if I went to enough seminars and took enough courses and read enough books and did enough affirmations that somehow I would find it.

Enough, enough, enough already! It was never enough. I was never enough. And now I have found myself in this place and I realized that ...

No one can tell you what your truth is or how to get there. They can only soften the path a little. But if you are awake and alive, there will come a time when you will have to examine your own heart.

During this time, I thought often of Mother Teresa and what a powerful woman she was, yet without the arrogance that one often finds in powerful people. She was able to command large amounts of money from everywhere and yet she was so humble. She didn't need to be the best at anything, she just needed to BE. Simple and profound. She touched countless lives and changed the world one person at a time.

I have an act of kindness section on my website and for the last 7 years have been putting acts of kindness suggestions on one of my daily pages. This morning as I was thinking of Mother Teresa again, I sat down to my computer and these words flowed from my fingertips and onto the screen.

Whatever you do today, remember ONE thing. That in the end, all that really matters is the LOVE! Did you seek it? Did you find it? But most importantly - DID YOU GIVE IT? Remember the LOVE!

And then I knew that was the truth I was looking for. Remember the LOVE. Often in our quest for bigger and better things, we forget why we came here in the first place. When my father died and I was sitting on his doorstep outside waiting for the limo to arrive to take me to his funeral, this was never more apparent. There stood his beautiful house and car in silence. He would never walk up those stairs and open that door again or sit behind that wheel. But I could feel his presence. He was much bigger than all of those things. His love was there forever. It didn't die with him. The only thing we take with us when we leave this place is the love and it doesn't matter if we die with a slim body and a fat bank account. All that matters is the love.

In remembering this, I came to know my truth. Perhaps we don't come here to learn, perhaps we come here to teach. And the secret to success is in the love. Then I recalled a story I heard about a woman who hated her job and was living a joyless life of struggle. Her heart was closed in pain, anger and resentment. She was working as a cleaning lady. One day the old woman she worked for put on some music on the stereo. It was music that she and her late husband used to dance to. She was missing her mate terribly and longing for the gentle touch of another soul. The old woman asked the cleaning lady if she would dance with her. The cleaning lady was a bit taken aback at first but agreed to do so. And then something miraculous happened.

In opening her arms to the old woman, she also opened her heart and the tears and the love began to flow. She let the love in and in that precious moment that love lifted her spirit and transformed her life. Right after this incident the cleaning lady's business started to take off, she got so many calls she had to hire a huge staff to accommodate everyone and her company grew by leaps and bounds. The struggle disappeared and everything that she had been trying to make happen came to her effortlessly, once her heart had been opened.

In remembering this story, I knew that I had found my truth. The secret to success and the secret to life is in the love. Once I knew that, I knew everything.

Determining How Much Life Insurance You Need

By Stephen Nelson

When considering life insurance, you’re planning and preparing for an event most of us would rather not think about. But life insurance represents a critical step in managing your personal finances and ensuring your family’s well-being.

The Two Approaches to Life Insurance
You can use one of two approaches to estimate how much life insurance you should buy: the needs approach or the replacement-income approach. Using the needs approach, you calculate the amount of life insurance necessary to cover your family’s financial needs if you die. Using the replacement-income approach, you calculate the amount of life insurance you need to equal the income your family will lose. Let’s look briefly at each approach.

You need how much?
Using the needs approach, you add up the amounts that represent all the needs your family will have after your death, including funeral and burial costs, uninsured medical expenses, and estate taxes. However, your family depends on you to pay for other needs, such as your child’s college tuition, business or personal debts, and food and housing expenses over time.
The needs approach is somewhat limiting. The task of identifying and tallying family needs is difficult, and separating the true needs of your family from what you want for them is often impossible.

Replacing Income
Using the replacement-income approach for estimating life insurance requirements, you calculate the life insurance proceeds that would replace your earnings over a specified number of years after your death.




Life insurance companies sometimes approximate your replacement income at four or five times your annual income. A more precise estimation considers the actual amount your family members need annually, the number of years for which they will need this amount, and the interest rate your family will earn on the life insurance proceeds, as well as inflation over the years during which your family draws on the life insurance proceeds.

Note: Do remember as you quantify the income you want to replace that Social Security provides generous survivors benefits if you’ve qualified. These benefits can easily total $2,000 a month or more.

Calculating Replacement-Income Amounts with Excel
If you’ve got access to a computer running Microsoft Excel, the popular spreadsheet program, you can use your computer to calculate the amount of insurance you need to replace a specified number of years of income. Suppose, for example, that you want to buy enough life insurance to replace the income from a $50,000-a-year job for 15 years. If you figure your family will earn 5% on the life insurance proceeds should the worst case scenario occur, you enter the following formula into a cell in an Excel workbook to calculate the replacement income life insurance amount:

=-PV(5%,15,50000)

Excel returns the formula result 518,982.90 indicating that you would need roughly $520,000 of life insurance, invested at 5%, to payout $50,000 a year for 15 years.

Two Calculation Tips
If you want to factor in inflation because you’re trying to replace income over a long period of time, you should use a real rate of return rather a regular, or nominal, rate of return.
To calculate a real rate of return, subtract the inflation rate from the interest rate in the formula. For example, if you expect 2% inflation, you could replace the formula shown earlier with this formula:

=-PV(5%-2%,15,50000)

Here’s a final calculation tip: You probably want to round up your number. For example, if the formula provided earlier returns the value 518982.90, you might want to round up this value to $600,000. Or $750,000.

Need life insurance? Why not get your computer's help to determine the appropriate policy size. CPA and bestselling author Stephen L. Nelson explains.

Bellevue WA certified public accountant & author Stephen L. Nelson CPA has written more than 150 books. His bestselling book is Quicken for Dummies, which sold more than 1,000,000 copies. His books have sold more than 4,000,000 copies in English and have been translated into more than a dozen other languages. He also edits the limited liability company formations web site.

Deafness Is Not A Disability

By Cheryl Haining

At the outset of this article I must state that I am a hearing person. I have no qualifications in deaf culture. I feel compelled to write this article in response to a funeral I recently attended. I was embarrassed by the false assumptions held by many of the other hearing people who attended the funeral. The aim of this article is to broaden cultural understanding of deafness.

Many people are born deaf. Others become deaf at a very young age, due to measles, meningitis or other illnesses. They grow up with their own language, customs, culture and pride. It is these people this article refers to, not those that lose their hearing some time after birth.




I am privileged to have friendships with a number of deaf people. I talk with them using Auslan (Australian Sign Language). I have learned that there are vast differences between hearing and deaf communities and cultures. I know that many hearing people have a lack of understanding of deafness. My aim is to increase understanding.

The funeral was for a deaf friend of mine. I will call him Kurnai. He was born deaf and proud to be deaf. He was known and respected in both the deaf and the hearing communities. Both deaf and hearing people took part in his eulogy. A sign language interpreter was present. He interpreted for the hearing people. He did this by translating the visual sign language into spoken English. He also interpreted for the deaf people. He did this by translating the spoken language into Auslan.

Kurnai’s deaf friends spoke about his love of sport. They praised his football prowess. They talked of times long past when they played tricks at school. They talked of his smile and his love of having fun. None of them mentioned the fact that he was deaf. The hearing people also talked of some of the personal traits of Kurnai. However they focused so much on the ‘dreadful disability’ he had. They told stories of how well he had done in spite of his disability. They talked about how sad it was that he could not talk. When the truth was that he could talk. His language, Auslan, is a rich an expressive language.

One loving relative marveled that Kurnai danced with his deaf friend. She had no concept that deaf people can ‘feel’ music through vibrations in the floor. Another gave thanks that now he had passed to the other life he would be able to ‘talk’. Another joked that Kurnai had told him he was glad he was deaf. The gathered hearing community laughed in disbelief. The gathered deaf community smiled and nodded in agreement.

Kurnai had a terminal illness. He spent much time consulting with the medical profession. Their disability was that they did not know his language. In their arrogance they did not think it necessary to have an interpreter present at all appointments. Everyone has the right to know what is being said. Even if it is just a simple appointment. “Is my temperature, blood pressure normal”. Surely it is the patients’ right to be able to ask these questions. The medical profession would benefit from being able to ask the patient “How are you feeling? Do you have any pain”? Without an interpreter present, these simple questions cannot be given an accurate response. Too many hearing people assume that deaf people can fully understand written English and can lip read. In fact lip reading is a very difficult skill. Those who master it well can understand about 30% of the conversation. Written English uses very different grammar and syntax to Auslan. Therefore it is very easy for deaf people to mis-interpret what has been written. Often they smile, or nod in response. Otherwise they take a 50/50 bet and reply either “yes’ or “no”.
When you are trying to communicate with a deaf person, follow their lead. Generally gesture and mime is more effective than written communication. Surely you would never attempt to communicate with a person whose language was not English by using written English? The same applies when communicating with deaf people. Their language is not English.

Kurnai was a very dear friend. The comments that his hearing friends made at his funeral would not have upset him. As a deaf person, he would have smiled and accepted the fact that no harm was intended. This is another example of the differences in our cultures. While listening to the stories of his life I was upset by the mis-understandings. I was embarrassed by the ‘politically incorrect’ statements that hearing people were making. I was upset and felt the need to defend Kurnai’s statement that “Deafness is not a Disability”.

Memorialize Your Loved One With A Cremation Urn

By Jim Johnson

It is a fact of life that all of us will lose someone that we care about in death at some point, and although we may not be able to be with them any longer, it's a widely accepted part of the grieving process to memorialize them in a fitting way. There are many ways that this can be done today and the funeral industry has a wide variety of products that can help dignify the occasion.




However, one of the most time-honored and ancient of burial customs is that of cremation. The practice of cremation was the most predominat means of corpse disposal until the advent of Christianity in the Roman Empire. There were several reasons why cremation was popular among ancient cultures, and one was that fire was considered a purifying agent that would release the spirit of the deceased in the proper way and allow for a safe journey to their next life.

Of course, besides the philosophical or religious properties of cremation, the health benefits of the practice was never in doubt. Disposal of the body in this way eliminated the possiblility of disease being spread by decay. Therefore the practice of cremation has become more and more accepted in Western cultures as cities have grown larger and cemetaries have become more crowded.

Cremation in the modern era involves the use of high levels of heat that reduce the body of the deceased to ashes. The ashes can then be spread without causing any health problem to others.
However, increasingly many people today are returning to the ancient practice of storing the ashes in a funerary urn instead. In such a container the ashes can be kept and memorialized by their loved ones, or it can also serve as a fitting receptacle for burial as well.

Cremation urns are available in many different configurations and price levels, and they need not simply be a utilitarian object. In fact, some urns can be very decorative and attractive in appearance.

So if you wish to memorialize a loved one in a dignified way, be sure to consider a crematory urn as another way to honor and remember them.

Copyright Infringement and the Funeral Industry

By Scott Johnson

Fifty years ago, the music used at a funeral home service and at memorial services was limited to the available talents of an organist or pianist or a vocalist. More elaborate funeral services might use larger musical groups such as string quartets or even small woodwind or brass ensembles. Rarely did funeral directors think about whether they were following the strict regulations of copyright infringement law, because typically the music was being played by actual human beings instead of on a recording. And more often than not, the funeral music selected was religious or spiritual in nature rather than secular.




The introduction of new technology and the boom of the recording industry has brought forth hundreds of thousands of pieces of recorded funeral music, both secular and spiritual. Modern funeral industry professionals at the request of families are often asked to choose more progressive and complex music that previously that fits the many different types available and fully captures the personality and life of the deceased. The music chosen for modern day celebrations of life express not only the decedent’s spiritual convictions, but often even more importantly the values of the life he/she lived. Funeral directors continue to individualize services and choose more secular music to truly reflect the uniqueness of the individual that has passed. While the availability of unlimited pieces of funeral music for the funeral industry has improved the quality and appropriateness of funeral services, it has made the process of selecting the perfect funeral music for unique memorial services and funerals much more time-consuming and expensive for loved ones and particularly funeral home directors that must pay exorbitant fees to avoid committing copyright infringement.

Developed in 1984, United States Copyright Law required funeral homes to be licensed in order to play music published by the large music providers such as ASCAP and BMI at all services. While this copyright infringement law made it initially difficult for many funeral homes, the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) made things easier by establishing a group licensing program for U.S. funeral homes and other establishments within the funeral industry that would cover royalties for all the major music providers.

While the NFDA’s program to help with the costs of many types of funeral music improved the burden of licensing a bit, many funeral home professionals still find themselves paying thousands of dollars per month to use certain types of music, both secular and religious, at their services. Since the license from the NFDA must be obtained for any funeral music used within the funeral home, funeral homes also must front the cost of all background music piped into the home as well as for music on-hold for their telephone systems, and this can certainly prove to be costly, which raises costs for grieving families and can make the death of a loved one even more difficult and expensive than it already is without worrying about the music for either the memorial service or the funeral.

To help ease the process of creating and maintaining a large enough music library to represent the vast range of musical tastes and personalities involved in the funeral industry, many funeral home professionals are seeking other lower-cost options that will not force them to compromise on the quality of the more expensive funeral music and will still help them adhere to copyright infringement law. Buyout music is one such option, and companies such as Royalty Free Music off such services

Hospice: It Saved Our Lives

By Susan Ryder

My father was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer in the spring of 2002. He'd never smoked a day in his life, but he spent most of his years breathing Southern California air, and shared an office for many years with smokers before the hazard of second-hand smoke was realized. His doctors prescribed chemotherapy, not to cure him but to give him more time, as they considered his condition terminal and predicted he would only live another six to eighteen months, depending on how he responded to the chemo.

Our family was devastated by the news of course. He was a good man - a loving husband for 53 years, a wonderful father and grandfather to his three children and three grandchildren, and a supportive friend. He was too young to die at 75, and we couldn't face the idea of a future without him. So we practiced positive thinking and prayed for a miracle.




But we weren't going to get a miracle, and by summer it was obvious that the chemotherapy wasn't helping him. The doctors had hoped the chemo would buy him some more time, but it was actually causing us to lose time with him as it made him sick and weak, and the anti-nausea and pain medication caused him to sleep most of the time. He was in and out of the hospital four times in four months, and losing ground steadily. So by the end of the summer, during his last hospital stay, it was decided that he would discontinue the chemotherapy and begin home hospice care. The doctors had done the best they could for him, but it wasn't working, and it was time to let him rest.

My parents still lived in Southern California, and I had moved to the Midwest - but I visited as often as I could during those final months of his life. I flew out within a month of his diagnosis, and then again in mid-summer to celebrate his 75th birthday. Each time I visited his condition deteriorated - he lost weight, he lost his hair, he lost the twinkle in his blue eyes. He slept a lot, and was in quite a bit of pain and discomfort. It was devastating for all who loved him to see him suffer so much. So it was with a sense of relief tinged with sadness that I received the call from my sister letting me know that he had chosen home hospice care and would be going home to die.

I flew out in early September to help my mother and sister care for my father at home. Hospice personnel had set things up the day before I arrived - a hospital bed in my parents’ room and IV medication to ease his pain and make him comfortable. My mother, sister, and I fell into an easy routine of caring for my father, much to our surprise. Someone from hospice came every day during the week - a nurse three days a week, a nursing aide the other two days, and a social worker visited every couple of weeks. When they weren't there in person they were available by phone, and would come for extra visits if a need arose (which happened a few times). In between their visits we cared for my father, which proved easier than we imagined because of how well hospice had set things up to manage his care.

It became apparent early on that hospice care wasn't just limited to the patient - family members and other caregivers benefit from hospice care as well. The social worker met with us several times, and spent quite a bit of time offering emotional support to my mother. She was also available by phone any time one of us needed to talk. A chaplain also visited, but my mother had already connected emotionally with the social worker and had her own pastor, so that was one service we didn't really need. They also arranged for medications to be delivered to our door so that we didn't have to go out and fill prescriptions.

One of the most amazing things to me was how well the nurses took care of all of us, not just Dad. I knew the social worker and chaplain would be a good support system, but I hadn't realized that the nurses would be such loving caregivers for us as well. We had one regular nurse, Pat, who came most of the time, and a back-up nurse, Joy, who was a family friend. When Pat arrived at our door she greeted us all with a hug, asked how we were doing, and then went immediately to see my father. She changed his IV bags, checked his vitals, talked to him about pain management and other issues of concern. And then before she left, it became routine for us to all sit and talk with her in the living room. She'd ask how we were, answer questions, offer support and care, and make sure we were taking good care of ourselves. She became our lifeline in more ways than one.

A couple of times we had emergencies in the middle of the night, and we met other hospice staff - one time my father's pain got so severe we needed assistance to help him (hospice wants a patient to be as comfortable as possible, with minimal pain, and so they will come any time, day or night, to make adjustments so that the patient experiences relief). Another time my father tried to pull out his catheter and an on-call nurse came right away to remedy the situation, treating us with patience and kindness even though we'd never met, and even though it was 2:00 a.m.

The last day of my father's life his breathing became more ragged, and we suspected the end was near. We called Pat who said she'd be there as soon as she could, but that she was on another case and it would be a while before she could make it. She suggested we call Joy to see if she could come over, and of course she came right away, even though she'd been out of town on vacation and literally had just stepped off a plane. When she came into his room she spoke softly to him (even though he'd not been conscious for four days, she spoke to him as if he could hear her, which perhaps he could). She let him know she was there and that she was going to take his blood pressure.

Within moments of her arrival he was gone, as if he'd been waiting for her to get there so that she could take care of us after he passed. Pat arrived shortly thereafter, and together they helped us make the necessary final arrangements - they called the coroner’s office to get a death certificate issued, the funeral home to arrange pick-up of his body, etc. We didn't have to do anything other than say goodbye, and before they left, they shared tears and laughter with us in a sort of informal "wake" as we shared stories of those final weeks with Dad.

The hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life was the death of my father - and even now after three years, I still miss him terribly. But every time I recall those final weeks of his life, I also remember the loving care given to all of us by hospice. My father was only a hospice patient for a month before he died, but the benefits of their care for him, and for us, linger still, and I will be forever grateful for what they did for our family.

In situation where a loved one is dying, I cannot recommend hospice highly enough.

Depression: The Death Fantasy

By Samantha Weaver

Depression affects 1 in 3 people in the UK and can vary from mild to extremely severe. Having suffered severe depression for the majority of my life, I feel equipped enough to be able to discuss the way the mind works in relation to the topic of depression and death.

At some point while suffering with severe depression, I began to start thinking about death. Death I eventually began to believe as being the only option available to me to rid myself of the pain I was experiencing. Of course, I now know that it is not the only option, but I sincerely believed that it was at the time.

The death fantasy that those who suffer with severe depression begin to experience had pounced on me and was starting to cloud and distort my mind. There wasn’t a day that passed that I wasn’t thinking about death in one way or another. At first, I had simple thoughts. What would my funeral be like? Who would attend it? But over time, these thoughts became more isolated and the questions I began to ask myself started to turn into images in my mind. I could actually picture myself following through with suicide.

I would question how easy it would be to kill myself? Could I just step out off the pavement into the road and in front of oncoming traffic? Could I jump from a bridge? Could I hang myself or poison myself? Which of these methods would be the quickest, the least painful?

Of course, I knew what I was thinking wasn’t right. I knew I should not be torturing myself with this type of thought, but I couldn’t stop myself, I couldn’t help myself and I started to think about things more deeply. How long would it be before someone noticed I wasn’t around? How long would it take for my body to be found?

The worst times were when I was sat alone, at home with nothing on TV, no-one to talk to and no-one around that could distract me or talk some degree of sense back into me. If I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, I was troubled when I picked a knife out of the cutlery drawer and began considering how I could use it to slit my wrists. I only ever made my sandwich and never became a self-harmer, but the thoughts were there, the death fantasy always lingering in my mind, in my daily routines, ready to pounce on me if things got too tough, if I found I was unable to cope with something. It’s like it became an opt-out ‘option’ there if I needed it.

I started to question if this type of thinking meant that I was crazy? Maybe I wasn’t right in the head; maybe I actually was a loony or a psycho? For certainly any ‘normal person’ wouldn’t be thinking about death, wouldn’t be as fixated on it as me?

Many people think that suicide attempts are a ‘cry for help’ but I can categorically say that they are not necessarily that. Depression distorts the mind so much that all a person can think about is the negativity in their lives and a way out of the pain - death. They hate to feel sad, to feel depressed, to feel as thought they are unable to function. No-one that suffers with depression wants to feel the way that they do and it is a very scary thing to find yourself contemplating your own death in your mind.

Thankfully, I managed to get myself into my GP’s practise. But the fear of telling a professional the type of thoughts that you are thinking is huge. I worried that I would be sectioned, worried that I would be thrown into a straight jacket and dismissed as crazy in a mental institution. The courage that I had to find to discuss what was happening in my head was immense. However, it took strength, courage and a strong belief in that I was doing the right thing to help myself.

And the advice I would give anyone else who may be suffering depression and in a similar position to that which I was in is to seek the help, to talk to someone, to try to do something before considering the only option that you think is available to you. Because death isn’t your only option - you can get better and have a life depression free. I am living proof.

Funeral Flower Arrangements

By Ken Marlborough

Comforting a grieving family is never an easy task and people often feel quite helpless at being unable to do the right thing. Fortunately, flowers are a good way to condole one’s loss and are sent to the funeral home for display during the viewing and service.

In the first couple of decades of the last century, funeral flower arrangements were usually large, sweet-smelling badges shaped as hearts, crosses and logos of organizations. For example, a Rotarian would take along a wreath in the form of a broken wheel to a fellow Rotarian’s funeral. From 1970, this practice gave way to customized funeral flower arrangements that depict the deceased’s profession, such as anchors for seamen.





The various kinds of funeral flower arrangements include the wreath, which is a circular floral arrangement of flowers and greens; people believe that its shape symbolizes eternal life. The floral stand is another type of arrangement. It is visible only from one side and is placed on a stand and can be ordered in a choice of up to three tiers. A cross-shaped arrangement symbolizes the deceased’s faith in Christianity. The family of the deceased usually orders an arrangement called a casket spray for the top of the casket. If a child dies, floral arrangements in the shapes of angels, bunnies, bears, or other objects are done in white with leafy trimming.
Once the funeral service is over and the grieving family begins to cope with their loss, it is completely in order for you to comfort them with flowers or a plant that shows that they can count on you for support.

Traditionally, white flowers are used. Chrysanthemums, roses in red, white, yellow and pink, white lilies and carnations are the flowers of choice.

Life Insurance Quote - How Much To Spend & How Much To Get

By Greg Haehl

When a budget is tight it is easy to dismiss the need for life insurance. Lack of knowledge can also make an individual put off purchasing a life insurance policy. And, of course, planning for one’s own death and discussing it with loved ones is always difficult. However, the lack of life insurance can leave those you care about with burdens after your death.




Why is it necessary?
In the period immediately following a death it is much easier to arrange for a funeral if a life insurance policy is in place. The average cost of a funeral is more than $7,500.
Also, within a marital partnership, the death of the spouse does not relieve debt. Your partner will be liable for any payments that need to be made. Standard housekeeping expenses will need to be met as well. The ability for your loved ones to continue living in the same manner as they did prior to your death will also be important to you. Funding the education of any children will certainly be important.

What amount should be bought?
In order to calculate the amount of life insurance you need you must consider immediate and short term needs as well as long term requirements. Burial costs and existing debt would fall into the current needs category. Mortgage payments and child care would also fall into this group. College expenses would be an example of future expenses to be considered. Don’t forget taxes that may be due. There are many calculators available on the net which can help you to estimate the amount of life insurance you may need.

If you need help
In a matter as important as life insurance it is always good advice to get many quotes and compare them. Quotes are free and are the best way to compare plans, pricing and options. After receiving some quotes it may be prudent to consult a life insurance professional or even an attorney. Many times life insurance proceeds can be protected from taxation.

The best way to learn and save money on insurance is to collect as many quotes as possible in order to compare services and rates.

View our recommended source for reliable quotes Recommended Insurance Company Online.

New Orleans Grief

By Dr. Mel Glazer

In a New York Times article on December 11, 2005, Clifford J. Levy remarks that "it has become almost taboo to discuss any proposal more modest than an immediate and total rebuilding...Suggest that New Orleans needs to consider repopulating only elevated areas, leaving especially flood-prone ones to lie fallow, and you will be shouted down."




What a daunting dilemma: to rebuild the entire city of New Orleans after the onslaught of Hurricane Katrina, including re-imagining what used to be poor areas of town so that all who wish to can move back; or only restoring those higher-elevation areas which were less damaged and which have potential for immediate action. If the first solution is chosen, it may take an entire decade, by which time the poor will have decided to remain where they are today instead of returning. If the latter solution is chosen, the poor will be officially relegated to non-citizen and unwanted.

I am Grief Recovery Specialist, we focus on completing the relationship we have with whomever or whatever our loss happens to be, so that we can resume a life of wholeness and celebration. Uncompleted relationships weigh us down and paralyze us from moving on to lives of joy. When we continue to “hold on to” our losses, we are unable to live freely. The dead must be allowed to die so that the living may be energized to live. Until the dead are “let go,” they remain “alive,” and the living are deadened to life, a reversal of what ought to be.

Successful Grief Recovery means giving up the hope for a different or better yesterday. The past has passed; we have only the present and future to consider. We cannot continue to live only in the past if we expect a future that is dynamic and appealing.

New Orleans residents and leadership need to recognize that they need not bring back those dead neighborhoods, that would be a time-and-money-consuming proposition that would not be the most beneficial response to those who used to live there. Nor would it allow the City of New Orleans to move forward to its future with any type of realistic hope.

Rather, a more simple, honest and healing response would be to say to those who fled the city: we are so sorry that we have lost your homes and neighborhoods, but they will not be rebuilt. We wish it could have been different, but reality dictates that we rebuild what is feasible and say goodbye to the other neighborhoods of our beloved city. We wish you well as you continue your new lives wherever you now live. You are always invited back, but please know that there will be no more poor neighborhoods or overcrowded slums to return to; we will do better this time so that we can all be proud of our city.

Perhaps a communal funeral, complete with down-home Bourbon Street wailing, would be an appropriate send-off. Whatever the city decides, its future awaits. Hopefully, New Orleans will be rebuilt so that the New Bourbon Street will once again reverberate with flash and feeling.

The Bug Funeral Parlor

By James Sniechowski and Judith Sherven

One of the wonders of being in a long term relationship that celebrates "the magic of differences" is that you can divvy up the daily chores, errands and family support requirements along the lines of one another's strengths and weaknesses, preferences and distastes.
One of the ongoing challenges of country living is the BUGS! Big moths, black wasps, tiny "no see ums"and all manner of flies and critters figure out how to get inside our house. With a night light in our bathroom drawing them all in there after we turn out the lights, every morning the bathroom sink, floor and window sill have turned into the bug funeral parlor.




Judith finds them obnoxious alive or dead! Jim doesn't mind them most of the time and does most of the clean up in bathroom. He actually enjoys saving the live ones with his hands or he uses an empty plastic juice jug and a piece of cardboard to trap the wasps until safe delivery out of the house. So, now Judith just calls out for the "Bug Patrol!" and knows Jim will come rescue her.

Respecting our differences allows Judith to feel taken care of by Jim and Jim gets to be the Bug Patrol General!

In the old way of thinking about differences, we'd both be making each other wrong. Jim wouldn't hesitate to make fun of Judith for being so "prissy and girlie" and "overly sensitive." Judith would condemn Jim for being "macho" and "tough" and ignoring his "real feelings" of disgust. Each of us would feel righteous and correct—certain the other was wrong and deserved to be punished by verbal abuse.

The fun is in sharing life in all the ways that our differences enhance one another and allow our individuality to shine.

Remember that the other person you're involved with is not you. So, how do the ways he or she is different from you make your life easier, more fun, better?!

Rejoice in those differences!

How to Buy a Funeral or Cremation Urn

By Mary Hickey

Buying an urn is something most people hope they never have to do. Unfortunately, at some point in our lives we will probably have to purchase an urn or a casket for a loved one. Here are a few things you will want to know.

First, what happens if you go to a funeral home or cremation society and decide not to purchase an urn from the selection that is offered? In that case, you will receive your loved on in is a very unattractive plastic or cardboard box. It is estimated that 50%-70% of the time people leave a funeral home with this minimum option. It makes no difference if you spend $500 or $1,800 on the cremation, the boxes look the same. Many people are shocked when they go to pick up the ashes of a loved one and get a plastic or cardboard box back.




The ideal combination for selecting an urn is one that can be personalized or in some way is reflective of the person’s life inside as well as being practical for what you plan to do with the ashes of the deceased.

What you need to think about is; what do you plan to do with the remains? Here are a few of your options:

1. Bury the ashes.
2. Scatter the ashes.
3. Leave them in your home until you make a decision or until you die and someone else will have to decide what to do with them.
4. Put them in a niche in a mausoleum.
5. Divide the ashes up among family members.
6. Travel with the urn to a memorial service and then do one of the above.

If you plan on burying the ashes you will want to check with the cemetery and see if they have a requirement. There are a few “Green Cemeteries” in the country that only allow biodegradable urns. Many cemeteries will have guidelines for you to follow.

Scattering ashes can be a delicate art. There are plenty of stories of people placing the ashes off of boats only to have the wind blow the ashes back into the person’s face. This can also happen in aircraft. While the urn will not do much to prevent that, you may want to consider a biodegradable bag if you plan to place the ashes in a lake, stream or ocean. This way you will not have a problem with wind or waves and the same time you won’t be harming the ecosystem. When selecting an urn for scattering, you may want to consider a memory chest or an urn that can hold photos and other mementos. Again, if you use a biodegradable bag you can keep the urn to hold keepsakes. There are some urns on the market that are designed to be used in water. You can do an internet search or ask your funeral director for assistance. If you are scattering on someone else’s property you will want to get permission if you would like to do it the legal way. You may also need a permit. Personally, I’ve spoken to many people that do their own thing with remains and it’s basically don’t ask and don’t tell.

If you plan to take the remains home, you will obviously want to choose a safe place out of reach of young children or pets. You may also consider the weight of the urn. Some bronze urns can be very heavy, and if you need to dust around the urn or move it consider the weight. Another thing to consider, what would you like done with the ashes after you are gone? You may want to mention this in your will or put a note on the bottom of the urn.

If you have chosen a mausoleum, you will want to place a call to get their guidelines. Many mausoleums will not accept wooden urns or anything besides plastic, ceramic or metal. You will also want to play close attention to size. Each niche has a specific size and you will want to make sure the urn you select fits inside the urn. You may also consider having the urn engraved or somehow personalized. If a natural disaster were to occur it is more likely that the remains will be identified if the urn is personalized.

Should you plan to share the ashes with loved ones, you will want to choose smaller urns or boxes for the remains. The ashes should be placed in a small zip lock bag and then into the smaller urn. Usually you will have one larger urn and a few smaller urns depending on how many people have expressed interest in receiving part of the ashes. Options like pieces of blown glass and even diamond rings are available that have the ashes put into the piece.

If you plan to travel on a commercial airplane with an urn, you will want to make sure the urn is Transportation Security Administration (TSA) compliant for travel.

Urns should not be made of metal due to the Transportation Security Administration's new procedure on the transport of crematory containers as carry-on baggage on airplanes. Passengers may still carry-on crematory containers, but they must pass through an X-ray machine. If an urn is made of metal or is metal-lined, it will show up as opaque on X-ray machines, preventing the security screener from being able to see what is inside - an obvious security risk. Please review this site for more detailed information http://www.tsa.gov/public/interapp/editorial/editorial_1296.xml.

Also consider who will see the urn. Will the design look dignified and respectable at a life celebration or memorial service? You may want to consider materials that are soft to the touch and colors that are soothing and up-to-date.

Finally, think about price. How much would you like to spend? You may want to ask the Funeral Director if they have a variety of catalogs that you could look through and you will want to check on the internet where you will find urns in many materials, designs and prices.

In summary, while it is never an easy decision choosing the right urn, by following these guidelines hopefully the process will be a bit easier.