Ashes adventures

"rest in peace HUNTER S. THOMPSON I heard that in this document somewhere it said he wants his ashes thrown from a cannon! I would definately want my ashes to do something extraordinary before they disintegrate into nothing!!!!" (Madison, 23)



What do want for your ashes? Something extraordinary or just an ordinary scattering in the crematorium garden? Maybe you have a suggestion for Madison's ashes. Whatever, let me know. I hope to include a page on the different options for your ashes.

a Granny Smith

Funeral director Roger Barker stored ashes from cremations in a bucket in his shed and then passed them off as the remains of the victim of a motorbike accident.

In fact Barker had failed to collect the deceased's ashes in time for the scattering, which was witnessed by his grieving parents. Instead he used those he had kept in the shed at the bottom of his garden, Oxford Crown Court was told.




During his trial, staff from his company, based in Didcot, England, told the jury that their boss often ordered them to do "a Granny Smith", which meant filling an urn with left-over remains from the garden shed if nobody had got around to collecting the right ashes. Personally I would have no problem having my ashes thrown into Roger Barker's bucket. A chance to mix with new people. A chance to get to new places - the ashes from my feet to one place and those from my skull to another. But I'm a nihilist with a very sick sense of humour.

Five pounds of ashes

That afternoon the pastor of the local Evangelical Baptist Church arrives to collect the ashes of his dearly departed God fearing mother. But the ashes have not been collected from the crematory. No problem.




About five pounds of ashes are scooped out of the bucket and poured into an urn. The pastor takes the urn. You (or some of you anyway) and your new found friends are on your way to a nice Christian burial. Far fetched fiction? Of course. But not as far fetched as you might think..

Five pounds of mixed ashes please

Imagine this. Your ashes wait at the funeral home. Uncollected. Unloved. One day the funeral home owner takes your urn off the shelf and pours your ashes into a bucket.




The bucket already contains the unclaimed ashes of a 22 year old sex worker who died tragically of a drug overdose. Next morning the ashes of a 25 year old gay man who died in an over enthusiastic bondage session are added to the bucket.

Honest - they are fakes

Of course fake ashes are used in TV and movie productions, but sometimes the audience does not realise. An episode of "The Simple Life" that showed hotel chain heiress Paris Hilton and sidekick Nicole Richie working at a funeral home upset some local residents.




The pair spilled what appeared to be human ashes onto a carpet, then used a vacuum cleaner to clean them up. The ashes were actually a mixture of cat litter and cement, according to John Podesta, the owner of Kohler Funeral Home. Paris and Nicole can spill me, vacuum me up or grind me into the carpet under their high heels any time they like.