Death of a Spouse

The Death of a Spouse
By David Beart

One of the most difficult moments in a person's life is the death of a spouse. Whether the marriage was wonderful, rocky, young or old, losing something so significant can feel so painful that the simple act of breathing hurts, and there doesn't seem to be an end to that type of hurting in sight. There is so much that happens in those first few days, plans to be made, friends and family that are always there, trying to offer comfort, sometimes trying too hard to offer comfort, and that feeling as though you have to offer others a sense of peace. Being a surviving spouse also means being a host or hostess for a short time, no matter how hard others try to tend to your needs first.




When the funeral or memorial service has ended, and you are finally alone with the reality of things, you may expect to have certain feelings. And those certain feelings may or may not ever come. Despite the fact that there has been tons of research written on the steps of grieving, the truth is that these are just vague outlines, not guarantees. There is no script, no determined function that says you must feel any certain way for any length of time. Your feelings are your own and they are what they are.

There is a significant difference however, between not experiencing an emotion because it just isn't there and shutting down an emotion because it doesn't feel "appropriate" or you don't want to feel it. During the weeks following a spouse's death, there are still details to take care of, and strong emotions can hinder your ability to deal with those details.

Some people find that if they actually set aside "grieving time" once a day, a few hours in the morning or the evening, where they are able to express their emotions in ways that are pure and real and honest, they are able to move through the details of life without feeling numb or uninvolved. Writing in a journal, phoning a few friends, crying, listening to music that holds special memories, building with wood, painting, or even seeing a therapist are all methods of dealing with strong emotions that help to express the hollowness, the pain, and the frustration and anger.

Spouses who have lost their significant other to a long term illness such as cancer are often mortified that their grieving doesn't last as "long as it should." This is a common phenomenon with no shame attached. In reality, couples who have faced long term illnesses have done a lot of anticipatory grieving, grieving the death of their loved while the loved one was still here. Many spouses reach a form of acceptance before their beloved passes on. In some cases, when the illness had stolen so much of who the individual was, and left them in a condition that death seemed like the better choice, the grieving was already completed on many levels, and the remaining spouse is left with relief, and a sense of guilt for feeling relieved. There is no guilt necessary. There are some things that are worse than death. There is a state of human condition that begs for death, release. Your grieving, at least a good part of it, has already been done. And it is okay, however you feel.

Depression is a normal part of grieving such a loss, even if the marriage was heading toward divorce or had even reached the point of separation. It didn't need to be a perfect marriage for you to have the freedom to grieve. Despite the normalcy of depression, any strong feelings of incapacitating sadness that go one for more than a few months should be considered normal, but may be a sign that you need help completing a cycle of grief or need someone to help you let go of your guilt. This is especially true if there are still children in the home. Getting help doesn't mean that you have failed or that you have done something wrong in the process of grieving. It means that you just may need someone to shed a new perspective on things, offer you a new way of looking at things, to help you over the edge.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a spouse, with the exception of behaviors which injure other people. There are books, movies, self help programs, and articles galore that are aimed at helping people feel better after such a devastating loss. While the ultimate goal is definitely to feel better, the positive feelings that you are seeking will be much more genuine and lasting if you work through the uncomfortable negative feelings first. Be tender and gentle with yourself, the way you would be if your best friends was in your shoes. Be kind and understanding with yourself. And most importantly, be real with yourself. Staying honest with yourself will help you heal faster and more completely.

David Beart is the owner of the Professors House Our site covers family issues such as marriage advice, teenagers, marriage, forums and relationships.

Fathers and Sons

Fathers and Sons
By Stephen Graham

I remember my time as a child and my efforts to please and emulate the actions of my dad. Although we were not the same, every effort was made on my part to copy his every action. My dad was a tough act to follow. He was beloved by all the members of the family. He had a true sense of honesty and seemed to know instinctively the right path in life to follow. I knew that I would always fall short in my efforts to copy his very essence. He seemed to never falter when everything around him was falling to pieces. He was a good man in the strictest sense. I always wondered at the fact that while dad was a moral and upright man he could be an immoveable object who refused to give ground to anyone when he knew he was right. My feeling when I was growing up was that my dad, uncles and almost every male figure in the family lived by a code that I had trouble understanding. Dad could be the kindest man on the face of the earth while still being the most stubborn man that I had ever faced.




At his funeral most of the family was torn to bits emotionally. My mother showed her strong side refusing to show most signs of weakness. The men in the family were affected in the most severe fashion. Several of dad's grandsons broke down emotionally and some went into hiding for several weeks. It was next to impossible for me to work. It was all that I could do to even function at minimal capacities. There were people crying and wailing during the service. The preacher offered his take on dad. I remember the words echoing the fact that throughout the turmoil and storms in the family that dad behaved like a rock.He was unshakeable. That was true but I knew that dad had another side to his character. After watching his every action while growing up I knew that he could not be intimidated by anyone. He loved his family more than he could put into words. I knew that if anyone made the mistake of threatening his family they would be sure to live to regret that mistake. He had no fear of anyone. Although he exhibited high moral standing in most areas anyone threatening his family became his achilles heel. He could be forced into situations that could end up badly for his antagonist. I don't know how but everyone survived these encounters.

While moving my mother from one house to another I encountered an old gentleman who had known dad all of his life. In answer to his inquiries I responded that I was his son. The old man had told me of his respect and admiration for my dad and offered his condolences concerning his death. He then added that he believed dad to be the most honest person he had ever met during his long life. Dad was a hard act to follow. I believe that dad came from an era that appreciated and put much faith in the attributes that he exhibited during his life. The only sure thing in life is change.

I married a fine woman and we had children. I had tried to be a role model like my dad had been for me. I had sons. Distractions became a major factor in our relationships. I gave time and effort into my childrens upbringing. I felt that my sons and I did not have the same connection as my father and I had enjoyed. Many factors lead to this distraction. Bad television, peer pressure, alcohol and drugs condoned for use and consumption by our children by outside influences led to a dysfunctional attitude in our family. I could never reach my children concerning their correct moral and ethical behavior on a full time basis. They exhibited great behavior in most instances but always weakness forced them into bad behavior. Viewing the television news and accepting reports of sons killing their families and other hideous acts perpetrated by these kids made me feel lucky. Everyone is doing it. Drugs, alcohol and bad behavior have led to a degradation in our society. Role models are few. Kids sometimes rebel against their parents' wishes. The only hope that we can cling to is time. In time our kids will hopefully understand the life lessons that have been taught to them and will act accordingly. We can only hope that the scriptures in the bible will ring true and that our kids will return to the initial teachings offered by their parents even though they have strayed momentarily from the truth. Time may be our best friend or our worst enemy. Time will tell.

Stephen Graham: Writes articles from life experiences and opinions.
http://buckskinnews.blogspot.comhttp//huntn-n-fishn.blogspot.comhttp://goodstuffintexas.blogspot.comhttp://huntn-n-fishn.blogspot.com/http://goodstuffintexas.blogspot.com/

Suicide Prevention

Suicide Prevention - Online Help - The Real Face of Death
By Christina Sponias

If you feel like dying, all the knowledge I have acquired during over 20 years of suffering is very relevant for you. The knowledge I have can be understood only in these moments, when everything else has lost their meaning.



Photo: ccstcloud.org

My years of suffering were also the years I studied, researched and wrote. I endured a long battle against schizophrenia and adapting to the world after discovering the content of the human psychic sphere, following which I spent years working and studying more, all this, without any recognition. I only had enemies who despised me... They hated me because I was too intelligent. Because I told them the truth exactly as it was. Many enemies...

However, I also helped many people throughout this time. Only in the first year of my fight I told everyone that I was sick and I needed psychotherapy. After this year, I've being helping other people.

I won the battle from the beginning, but I had to understand what happened to me while I was fighting against schizophrenia. I was guided by the unconscious that produces dreams that try to cure us from the craziness inherent in the wild part of our psychic sphere.

I learned how to interpret dreams better than Carl Jung, who discovered the unique correct method to translate them. This is because I have been a writer since I was young and my own literature helped me understand the dream symbols better, especially because of the book I wrote after a terrible car accident, which was full of archetypes, which are very meaningful dream symbols. By interpreting them I could decipher many mysteries that Jung could not explain.

I found light because I went to the depths of reality, where all the darkness lives.

I saw how weak the human being is... I saw the meaning of craziness!

This is my story.

After all the experiences I had and after all my studies, I'm the ideal person to guide and encourage everyone who needs help and those who have suicidal thoughts. This is why I told you from the beginning that my knowledge has a very serious meaning for you.

You will not commit suicide because you will have compassion towards those who you will abandon and you won't be able to continue thinking about torturing them so immensely with your suicide. You will cry and think about how horrible your funeral would be for them and the continuation of their lives after your tragic death.

Then you are going to feel ashamed because you had the crazy thought of killing these people with your crazy action if you would really commit suicide and abandon them forever, and yet leaving them with the guilty feeling of having perhaps caused you so much despair or neglected you, due to which you were driven to suicide.

I will help you feel awful for thinking about committing suicide, because this is really barbarous and you will be punished with the consequences of this mistake, if you really committed suicide. I'm not trying to make you change your mind because I'm thinking about society, but because I know very well that after suicide comes hell. You cannot create hell to the others without living in a hell yourself as well.

Your spirit won't stop existing after death, even if your body deteriorates under the earth. Forget all your illusions!

I know what happens after death because the unconscious showed me that aspect in dreams. You may not believe this, but you certainly cannot say that you know what happens to you after your death, especially after a suicide. Therefore, be afraid of committing suicide because you will not get rid of the problems you have now and things will be worse.

Stay here on earth.

I wish to frighten you, because after a suicide comes horror. There will be horror for the people who live around you and care for you, and of course, horror for you, too. You will suffer much more than anyone else if you make this mistake because you will be the one who is responsible for everyone's suffering.

You may imagine that you will go somewhere else, become a nothing, but believe it or not, things won't be as you imagine.

I'm going to explain you what I mean and show you my vision through dream analysis because you must understand what really means the horror of suicide.

I cannot use a friend's case to explain exactly how someone is induced by their anti-conscience to commit suicide, because my help was not given with the intention to use this patient as a case study.

On the other hand, my experiences with this patient are valuable and I must transmit them to those who need the knowledge I acquired then.

I want to tell you that I couldn't bear to go to the apartment of the lady who committed suicide, talk with her husband, interpret his dreams and play for a while with their orphan baby. It was horrible...

I looked at her picture over the fireplace, with her glasses, smiling, and then at her husband taking care of the baby, a kid who would have a sad life for sure, and I simply wanted to disappear from that place! It was more than depressing...

I shall not reveal anything about this case, although if I could tell you exactly why she committed suicide you would really understand everything I mentioned before and much more, but I don't have the right to talk in public about this tragedy.

I only wish to illustrate that you will cause many depressing situations in many others' lives and you will watch everything and suffer as much as you are suffering now, and nothing will change in this regard.

Everything will continue to exist after your death, and you will continue to exist too, but you won't have the power to do anything. You will be a ghost. A ghost following the life of those who are still alive and still can change something, whereas you, the ghost, cannot change anything, but only observe what is happening and suffer without being able to correct anything.

If you were dreaming of paradise, you must remember that the paradise exists only for saints, for good people, for those who have piety in their hearts, and never hurt or kill others with their actions.

If you need more support online now, visit my site and send me a message via the contact form.

I will help you overcome your problems, feel stronger and face everything with courage, because you have to continue.

Prevent Depression and Craziness through the scientific method of Dream Interpretation discovered by Carl Jung and simplified by Christina Sponias, a writer who continued Jung's research in the unknown region of the human psychic sphere.

Learn more at: http://www.scientificdreaminterpretation.com/ and http://www.booksirecommend.com/

Click below to download your copy of the Free ebook
Beating Depression and Craziness

Cremation Urns

What Kind of Cremation Urn Should I Purchase, What Size and What are the Costs?
By Jennifer Johnston-Giuliano

No one can tell you what cremation urn is right for you! It is your personal preference or that of a family member to make that choice. If you plan ahead, you can get the cremation urn that is right for you. If not, the decision is left up to your family.



Photo: redfernurns.com

There are several different cremation urns available today. Whether you are looking for:

* A Traditional Metal, Wood, Hand-blown Glass or Ceramic Urn

* BioDegradeable Cremation Urn for Land or Sea Burial

* Companion Cremation Urn

* Custom Wood Cremation Urn

* Custom Wood Cremation Urn Laser Etched or Personalized

* Custom Urn Art made with Cremains

* Tasteful Cremation Urn Jewelry

* Sacred Rosary Cremation Urns

* Pet Cremation Urns OR

* Education and Information on Cremation

you can find it now on the internet and . . . you are not alone. It is estimated that 40% of humans will choose cremation as their final choice by the year 2010. Your cremation urn is a beautiful reflection and memorial of you or your loved ones life.

Here is what you should know about Cremation Urn Sizing and Cost . . .

Cremation Urn Sizing - Cubic Inches (CI) is the volume or space ashes take up and it is also the measurement of how much ash a cremation urn can hold.

1 lb. of body weight will yield roughly 1 cubic inch of ashes.

Example: A cremated 100 lb. person will yield about 90 cubic inches of ashes (almost 100 CI). This person would need a cremation urn that is about 90-100 CI. The 1 to 1 ratio of Weight to CI will ensure you purchase a cremation urn that is large enough, 99% of the time. Another example is that a 210 lb. person needs a cremation urn that is roughly 200 cubic inches or larger and a 50 lb. person or pet needs a cremation urn that is roughly 50 cubic inches or larger.

Cremation urn descriptions always lists a volume (capacity for ashes) in Cubic Inches. So if you know how much the deceased weighed - then you know the volume (CI.) of the ashes. A cremation urn can be too small (in volume) but is only too big if you think it's too big.

Cremation Urn Cost Cremation urns cost anywhere from $20 to $800 and up depending on the one you choose. If you purchase a cremation urn online, you can save up to 50% local funeral home prices.

For additional information or cremation, or to view the 100's of cremation urns we offer, please visit our education center and showroom today at http://www.foreverinurheart.com/

Most Important Thing In Life

Family, The Most Important Thing In Life
By Rita Offen

I went to a funeral yesterday. It was the funeral of a 97 year old lady who I had befriended in her last year of life, to take her out for a 'much-needed breath of fresh air', being somebody who was confined to her small home and unable to go out unless in a wheelchair. There weren't a lot of people at the funeral, just family. I was an 'outsider', only having briefly met one of them who had invited me to the funeral.



Photo: bonineodom.com

I quickly learned that, apart from nearest family, some of them had not seen each other for many years. Isn't it always the case, that relations rarely meet unless at weddings and funerals? The deceased did not see many of them. She was a deeply lonely lady, craving company like she'd had when young. Although crippled, her mind was as active as a 20 year old. It's often at funerals we rekindle family relationships, with every intention of meeting up more often, but for some reason we slip back into old habits, caught up with work and play, and do not fulfil those promises, even though they're promises made from the heart, and with the best intentions.

So what happens? Recently, Prince Andrew was reported as saying "I believe fundamentally that the family is the most important thing in life". And this belief probably holds true for most people, but like the diet we have every intention on going on, or the cigarettes we have every intention on giving up, we just don't get around to it, often until it's too late. It's the same with family and children. Do we grab the moment now, savor our time with our children, or wait until they've grown up and are caught up in their own lives? I know this is easier said than done, but often, however tight we are for time, most people are willing and able to make time for things that matter to them. There are people who have passions in life, be it water sports or model trains, who will make time whatever to pursue those passions.

So, given that we are so caught up in work, DIY, housework, and life, how do we make time for the family?

1. Strong families make it a priority to spend time together, and are committed to each other. This does not have to mean organizing great days out, but doing everyday tasks such as running errands, household chores or playing games together. Have a notice board in a prominent place in your home, with a daily REMINDER that your family comes first. This may seem crazy, but our hectic lifestyles with work and school mean we can frequently forget to take time out and work on our family relationships.

2. Ask yourself, why am I so busy? What am I doing, and is it helping to strengthen our family, or causing us to be apart more often? Is what I am doing really worth it? You may find that, when you stop and think about it, there may be activities you can cut out, or you may find ways of managing your time more effectively.

3. Some of those issues that have been important to you, on reflection, you may be able to re-prioritize. For example, household chores, like cleaning, or not allowing your kids to do 'messy' activities like painting or cooking. Being less fastidious about such issues may unlock time for being together and having fun.

4. Is your child attending lots of after-school clubs? Some parents like to feel that their child is constantly occupied and gaining new interests, and this is great, if that is what they are really doing. If a child loves doing many activities, that is good, but some children like to have time-out to relax at home, and often, following one or two interests or hobbies allows them to appreciate and put more time into them than to cram lots of interests into their routine.

5. Switch the television off. Make space to talk to each other. It may be a nice activity to watch a program together, but generally watching TV is not a social activity. In fact, more often than not, it gets in the way of social interaction.

6. Aim to have at least one meal a day together as a family. This is a difficult one if you have teenagers who have an active social life of their own, but however possible, make sure everyone gets together to talk about their day, share ideas, thoughts and feelings. It may require a change in mealtimes to accommodate everyone, or a new 'number one rule of the house'.

7. Try to establish something your whole family enjoys doing together, like a hobby, or a form of exercise, cycling or hiking. This can give a common interest that all can enjoy together and talk about. If you've got a difficult teenager, then find his or her motivation, and organise some days and activities for the whole family around that.

As parents you are the 'figureheads' of the family, so the responsibility is yours to bring the family together. Doing so will bring you closer, help you to enjoy your family, and hopefully give your children some great memories as well as examples to follow when they are grown up and have children of their own!

How to make time for the family. Get the secrets and get a FREE ezine http://chilledparent.com/Ebook.htm